


"alexander, no!" "alexander, yes!"

by sonnydelagay



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Asexuality, Banter, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Violence, actually there /are/ heavy parts, boy oh boy this sounds heavy, but its just a lot of bants, but not a single cishet in sight, everything but the kitchen sink lets go, first off, it isnt i swear im just covering all my bases, lots of queerness, this is really gay, those gaydars sure do work
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-18
Updated: 2017-08-01
Packaged: 2018-10-20 14:08:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10664220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sonnydelagay/pseuds/sonnydelagay
Summary: obligatory texting ficthe working title was 'that one gay mess'(i'm not in this fandom anymore, like, at all, but i'm leaving this up for those who are. also it's cringey af and i regret ever writing it tbh)was northernfuckyou





	1. kill 'em, fling 'em

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i mean i doubt you'll need it but here's a list of the characters in this part and their corresponding screenames. never let it be said i dont do nice things
> 
> alEXTRAnder - alexander hamilton  
> jean laurent - john laurens  
> lafaYEET - marquis de lafayette  
> zero to hero - hercules mulligan  
> angel cake: angelica schuyler  
> elizard: eliza schuyler  
> & pegs: peggy schuyler  
> maria carey: maria lewis (her maiden name. married name is reynolds)

alEXTRAnder: when i came to the us the first song i heard was the city by ed sheeran and i played it over and over again because i related

zero to hero: i can confirm he lived with me for a month and that godsforsaken song was playing ALL THE TIME

alEXTRAnder: im not even sorry

angel cake: when you came to the us? where you from boi

lafaYEET: ...

alEXTRAnder: unimportant 

alEXTRAnder: theres a million things i havent done

jean laurent: i am not one of those things

& pegs: im too asexual for this shit

alEXTRAnder: okay but where did betsey go i have somethign for her

& pegs: what?

jean laurent: my boyfriend is a nerd, thats what

alEXTRAnder: ur just jealous that u dont get cake

elizard: hello i have been summoned by the mention of cake

alEXTRAnder: BETSEY MY LITERAL WIFE 

jean laurent: ahem

alEXTRAnder: SHH

alEXTRAnder: betsey my valentines gift to you is the number of a cute gay girl ur welcome

angel cake: its june

alEXTRAnder: v a l e n t i n e s

elizard: thank you alex!!!!

alEXTRAnder: she wrote it on a piece of glittery paper just for u

jean laurent: stop pretending ur slick

jean laurent: hes setting his exes up 

alEXTRAnder: SLANDER

& pegs: it true

elizard: okay but,, cute gay girl,, the real issue at hand,,,

alEXTRAnder: RIGHT

alEXTRAnder: her name is maria shes sweet & looks really fucking hot in red

angel cake: john why does this not affect you in the slightest

jean laurent: bitch have u SEEN maria 

jean laurent: im gay and id still tap that

_alEXTRAnder has added maria carey to the chat_

alEXTRAnder: hi maria we love you 

angel cake: doesnt this,, defeat the purpose of giving liza marias number,,, now we all have it,,, ,

alEXTRAnder: oh shit yeah

alEXTRAnder: well u gotta go on a date soon then @liza @mar 

maria carey: okay

maria carey: eliza, alexander has told me all about you, and i would be honoured to take you out, if you are agreeable

elizard: i would love to. how does tomorrow at five sound?

maria carey: perfect

zero to hero: that... was the smoothest and least awkward date negotiation ive ever seen

maria carey: im gonna take that as a compliment

maria carey: if any of what alex has told me is true, then yall are super gay

lafaYEET: oui

jean laurent: pretty much yeah

maria carey: excellent

-

alEXTRAnder: imoutofpotatoeswhatwillido.jpg

alEXTRAnder: ireland in 1852

zero to hero: too soon

alEXTRAnder: IT WAS OVER 150 YEARS AGO

zero to hero: t o o s o o n

elizard: still not over the fact that in like the 1300s 

elizard: ppl with like the plague were just catapulted over castle walls in wars to infect the enemy

elizard: like

elizard: literally c a t a p u l t e d

alEXTRAnder: sling em over the walls

angel cake: mw

angel cake: *mr

angel cake: *me

angel cake: fuck

angel cake: i hate everything

& pegs: kill 'em, fling 'em

lafaYEET: iconic

alEXTRAnder: how's english going for ya, ange?

angel cake: Shut Your Fuck

alEXTRAnder: sorry, madame president

elizard: practising for the future, i see

alEXTRAnder: of course

alEXTRAnder: when shes president of hell, her rightful place

maria carey: slander

angel cake: i'll take it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> most of this is my gcs with changed names ngl
> 
> by which i mean the kill em fling em thing
> 
> anyway this is shitposting because i have X-TREME writers block 
> 
> stay tuned


	2. everyday we stray farther from god's light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> character names. arent i considerate
> 
> alEXTRAnder - alexander hamilton  
> jean laurent - john laurens  
> lafaYEET - marquis de lafayette  
> zero to hero - hercules mulligan  
> angel cake - angelica schuyler  
> elizard - eliza schuyler  
> & pegs - peggy schuyler  
> maria carey - maria lewis  
> error 101 - aaron burr

alEXTRAnder: brutus is in the ninth circle of hell for treachery

alEXTRAnder: he betrayed caesar for the greater good

alEXTRAnder: to protect rome from tyranny

alEXTRAnder: he was the "noblest roman of all"

alEXTRAnder: he acted only in the best interests of the people

alEXTRAnder: but he's in the ninth circle of hell

alEXTRAnder: caesar himself, on the other hand, is in the first circle of hell

alEXTRAnder: limbo

alEXTRAnder: "here lie those who were not sinful in life, but did not acquire the proper portal of faith."

alEXTRAnder: caesar was arrogant, self-centred, narcissistic, and borderline tyrannic

alEXTRAnder: means to an end, then

alEXTRAnder: textbook definition over morals, because morals are subjective, and you can't sort crimes without an objective structure, right?

alEXTRAnder: because who gets to be the person who stands up and declares themself as superior to the rest of humankind

alEXTRAnder: if your rules are subjective, make sure they are decided by the same person every time

alEXTRAnder: but that's implausible, so we resort to blanket statements

alEXTRAnder: brutus betrayed his friend. caesar was on the path to tyranny, if not already at his destination. brutus is in the ninth circle. caesar is in the first. 

alEXTRAnder: see what that shows us about human morals

jean laurent: alexander its three am kindly shut the fuck up and come back to bed

-

alEXTRAnder: one advil two advil three advil four

jean laurent: swallow 'em all then drop to the floor

angel cake: relationship goals

maria carey: pretty sure thats way more than ur supposed to take but wjo am i to judge

alEXTRAnder: actually

jean laurent: we have no regular advil but for some reason we have like seven bottles of kids advil

alEXTRAnder: theyre blue raspberry flavour and turn my mouth blue

& pegs: what even IS blue raspberry flavour 

& pegs: RASPBERRIES ARENT BLUE

zero to hero: someone was on an acid trip

& pegs: i

& pegs: fair enough

elizard: have uou guyss seen tgat on evideo wherre shes doignminion lipstick and the capiton saus 'ladies woulud UOU rokc tgis look?'

alEXTRAnder: i'd rock that look

angel cake: alexander i swear to my Father in heaven (amen)

jean laurent: everyday we stray farther from god's light

& pegs: tag urslef im lizas crytyping

alEXTRAnder: our father in heaven

alEXTRAnder: hallowed be your name

elizard: hallowed be your name

elizard: fuck

alEXTRAnder: your kingdom come

jean laurent: THY KINGDOM COME

zero to hero: wrong version buddy

maria carey: your will be done

alEXTRAnder: your will be done

alEXTRAnder: on earth as in heaven

jean laurent: GIVE US TODAY OUR DAILY BREAD

maria carey: give us today

maria carey: forgive us our sins

maria carey: as we forgive those 

alEXTRAnder: who sin against us

& pegs: **our daily bread you motherFuck

& pegs: YOU FORGOT

& pegs: THE DAILY BREAF

maria carey: no we didnt

& pegs: GIVE US TODAY OUR DAILY BREAD

& pegs: IN THE WRONG PLACE

alEXTRAnder: peggy u fucking dingus

& pegs: NO

& pegs: MARIA DID A WRONG

maria carey: i skipped it bc john said it

& pegs: NO I HATE IT UNSEND THE WRONG ONE

alEXTRAnder: lead us not into temptation 

& pegs: well fuck u too maria

lafaYEET: its just the lords prayer chill

angel cake: BLASPHEMY

alEXTRAnder: but deliver us from evil

jean laurent: YOU FORGOT

jean laurent: LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION 

alEXTRAnder: for the kingdom the power and the glory are yours

alEXTRAnder: now and forever

error 101: amen

jean laurent: AMEN

& pegs: A FUCKING MEN

elizard: amen!!!

alEXTRAnder: i didnt forget lead us not into temptation you fucking walnut

jean laurent: OH DHIT

jean laurent: I FIDNG SCROLL

alEXTRAnder: fuckin NERD

& pegs: what the shit alexander please dont jump ur boyfriends bones in front of me

alEXTRAnder: ;;;;)))))

& pegs: KILL UOURSELF

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> everythinf in this part has happened in my groupchats
> 
> the whole inferno/morals thing is me every night (morning?)
> 
> and the lords prayer thing is an inevitability of christian schools


	3. aaron burr is a sugar baby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im already sick of doing usernames  
> these are the new people  
> sia - theodosia bartow  
> washingdad - george washington  
> washingmom - martha washington

alEXTRAnder: pierre where the shit are you 

alEXTRAnder: if you make me wait with an overly excited baron for one more fucking minute  
alEXTRAnder: i swear to god i'll rip your arm off and shove it so far up your ass that i can reach down your throat and shake your hand

alEXTRAnder: actually you'd probably be into that nvm

alEXTRAnder: i'll make you spend the next week teaching ton cher petit général french

alEXTRAnder: connard

jean laurent: wrong chat babe

alEXTRAnder: shit 

alEXTRAnder: i'm your boss you don't get to decide what i can make you do

alEXTRAnder: if i want you to teach gwash french then you FUCKINB TEACH GWASH FRENCH

alEXTRAnder: and no it isnt a euphemism for fucking the general it means you fucking teach him french

zero to hero: still us dude

alEXTRAnder: oh

alEXTRAnder: ignore everything i just said

& pegs: why pierre sounds like my kinda guy 

zero to hero: peggy you're asexual 

& pegs: ;))

alEXTRAnder: laf remind me why ur not on baron-sitting duties

lafaYEET: parce que t'aime moi, cher

alEXTRAnder: je te deteste

elizard: i hope u found pierre he sounds like a good egg

alEXTRAnder: no he isnt hes the worst i Hate Him

alEXTRAnder: its his fault im in a crowded airport with the baron whos acting like an excited puppy

alEXTRAnder: hes less likely to pee all over the floor tho

alEXTRAnder: actually nvm he totally would

angel cake: i have so many questions 

alEXTRAnder: me too

-

alEXTRAnder: aaron burr is a sugar baby pass it on

error 101: i am not

error 101: don't listen to him

elizard: i 

alEXTRAnder: oh yeah?

_alEXTRAnder has added washingmom and washingdad to the chat_

error 101: do not listen to a word that comes out of his mouth

washingmom: we'll see

alEXTRAnder: martha aaron has a sugar mommy

error 101: lies and slander

washingmom: ...go on

error 101: i am betrayed

alEXTRAnder: she had a fiance but they broke up some time after she met aaron

alEXTRAnder: shes older than him and buys him fancy things

error 101: alexander you're twisting the story

error 101: as usual

washingmom: i don't know

washingmom: it sure does sound like you're a sugar baby, aaron

angel cake: am i the only one really confused about the dynamic here

maria carey: nope

elizard: definitely not

error 101: jesus christ 

washingmom: aaron! do not take the lord's name in vain

alEXTRAnder: this is blasphemy 

error 101: martha, you're an atheist 

error 101: alexander, you're jewish

maria carey: wait really

alEXTRAnder: kinda

alEXTRAnder: i'll explain another time

alEXTRAnder: aaronnn

error 101: i hate you all

_error 101 has added sia to the chat_

alEXTRAnder: hi are you aaron's sugar mommy

sia: yes

error 101: not you too

error 101: everyone has turned against me

maria carey: im on ur side aaron

error 101: no you're not

maria carey: ur right this is too funny

sia: aaron who are these people i like them

& pegs: everyone take a moment to think about the imminent longsuffering sigh of burr's

error 101: well, dosia, they are very horrible people who bully me 

alEXTRAnder: we'll introduce ourselves because burr won't 

alEXTRAnder: i'm alexander hamilton, he/him, and i'm aggressively bisexual. i'm dating john bc hes the only one who'll put up with my shit

elizard: you say in a group chat with two of your exes who have consistently put up with your shit for many years 

elizard: hello! i'm elizabeth schuyler, but most people call me eliza. alex calls me betsey and i dont actually know why. she/her and bi as the fourth of july. maria and i are dating

jean laurent: hi im the aforementioned john (laurens), he/him, im really fucking gay & im dating alex because im in looove

maria carey: sup im maria lewis, she/her, im demisexual but ppl are cool i guess, and im dating liza

& pegs: salutations, i'm peggy schuyler. quite frankly i'm the best person here. pronouns are they/them because i am an Agender™. i'm aro/ace and married to my cat

angel cake: what the fuck peggy you dont have a cat

& pegs: ur in england what do u know

angel cake: what the shit margarita 

angel cake: i'm angelica schuyler, she/her & im trans so kindly refrain from calling me dude or man or anything of the like. i'm the Token Straight Person here, and dating Another John™ who isnt in this chat and is also in england so it doesnt matter

lafaYEET: if angel can be the token straight person then im the token member of royalty. bonjour! je m'appelle marie-joseph paul yves roch gilbert du motier, marquis de lafayette, pronouns they/them and i am pansexual, for i find all to be beautiful 

sia: that's quite a mouthful

zero to hero: not the only thing that's quite a mouthful, if ya catch my drift ;)))

washingmom: hercules!

zero to hero: sorry mrs washington

zero to hero: i'm hercules mulligan, he/him

washingmom: oh, george, i suppose we should introduce ourselves too

washingmom: hello dear, i'm martha washington, but you can call me martha. my pronouns are she/her, and i've been married to george for eighteen years. we're both bi, because god knows he won't mention it

washingdad: Hello, I'm George Washington. My pronouns are he/him, and I've been married to Martha for eighteen years.

sia: all these people, and not a single cishet in sight. gaydars are truly magical things

sia: hi y'all, i'm theodosia bartow but that's a really pretentious name so i encourage nicknames. pronouns are she/her, i'm birom ace, and clearly you all know i'm dating aaron

error 101: lovely

error 101: now for us to all forget this ever happened

alEXTRAnder: nope, it's going on my list of 'things that embarrass aaron and therefore must never be forgotten'

error 101: please tell me that's doesn't exist

jean laurent: i wish i could

jean laurent: i really, really wish i could

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im really spacey because im on like three different painkillers hello
> 
> french translations (vaguely, this is only my second year learning french and for some reason we havent actually covered grammar)  
> ton cher petit général - your dear little general (he was actually called this by Some French People™)  
> connard - asshole  
> parce que t'aime moi, cher - because you love me, dear  
> je te deteste - i hate you
> 
> 'the baron' is the baron von steuben. cool dude, super gay, probably the reason america won the war. pierre is pierre etienne du ponceau was his military secretary. also a cool dude, also super gay, did a lot of linguistic work. they were super gay together
> 
> the alexander being jewish thing will be cleared up in due course
> 
> historically, gwash was awful at french, and considered himself too old to learn it during the revolution, so relied on his aides & translators 
> 
> stay tuned


	4. i have been ~looking~ for you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no new people oooh

angel cake: we never got the actual story behind a number of things

angel cake: like what the dynamic between the washingtons, burr, and alex is

angel cake: alex being "kinda" jewish

angel cake: theo and aarons whole relationship thing???

angel cake: i have so many questions

alEXTRAnder: angel go the fuck to sleep its like four am in london

angel cake: pot, meet kettle

alEXTRAnder: okay i deserved that but

alEXTRAnder: i also happen to know you have an exam in like six hours

alEXTRAnder: and you would probably kill me if you failed because of somethinh i did

alEXTRAnder: however indirectly

angel cake: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ 

alEXTRAnder: if i answer one of ur questions will u sleep

& pegs: yes

alEXTRAnder: peggy

alEXTRAnder: its ten thirty

& pegs: and im a fragile young child

alEXTRAnder: you do realise im only like a year older than you

& pegs: yes

angel cake: i wanna know abt the dynamic

angel cake: give me annsswweerrrsss

jean laurent: on a scale of 1-10 how high are you

angel cake: three 

angel cake: ALEXANDER

alEXTRAnder: okay okay

alEXTRAnder: aaron i need you to help explain this

error 101: i regret the day i first uttered your name

alEXTRAnder: the feeling's mutual bud

lafaYEET: "pardon me, are you aaron burr, sir?"

zero to hero: "that depends, who's asking?" 

error 101: what did i do in a past life to deserve this

alEXTRAnder: i probably made you so angry that you murdered me 

error 101: honestly that sounds about right

jean laurent: but alex, what on earth made you decide to say "im alexander hamilton, im at ur service, sir. i have been ~looking~ for you"

jean laurent: you sounded like you were propositioning him

alEXTRAnder: maybe i was

error 101: can we explain this godforsaken situation to the schuylers so i can go back to sleep

sia: i must say, i'm intrigued

sia: go on

error 101: jesus christ

error 101: alexander, am i starting this or are you?

alEXTRAnder: i will

alEXTRAnder: so we met on the first day of college

error 101: by which he means "i accosted aaron in a public space before running off with john laurens"

alEXTRAnder: i was GETTING to that,, 

elizard: someone who wont stop to constantly bicker please explain this

jean laurent: we were all getting our rooms and schedules and shit

jean laurent: amd alex taps burr on the shoulder and goes

jean laurent: "pardon me, are you aaron burr, sir?"

jean laurent: and burr does that thing where he takes a deep breath and looks at the sky like 'lord help me'

jean laurent: and turned around with a "that depends, who's asking?"

alEXTRAnder: with that really fake smile of his

jean laurent: and alex gets all excited puppy amd goes "oh, im alexander hamilton, im at your service sir, i have been ~looking~ for you"

error 101: honestly i should have just walked away then and there

alEXTRAnder: probably

jean laurent: anyway they talk for a bit but then burr gives him some advice

alEXTRAnder: "talk less, smile more"

jean laurent: and i swear to god, alex looked like burr had just kicked him

error 101: honestly 

jean laurent: and he went "...what?" really quietly

jean laurent: then burr delivers some really melodramatic oneliner 

alEXTRAnder: "fools who run their mouths oft wind up dead"

error 101: i thought it would make him stop talking to me

angel cake: let me guess

angel cake: it didn't 

error 101: correct

jean laurent: anyway i was just kinda watching this whole interaction but alex looked so lost and upset that i went over and essentially told burr to fuck off & helped alex find his room

alEXTRAnder: thx boo

jean laurent: fast forward a couple hours and alex met laf

lafaYEET: our petit lion heard thomas speaking in french, and corrected his grammar

alEXTRAnder: c'était atroce

lafaYEET: thomas took offence

jean laurent: as usual

lafaYEET: and they ended up have a lengthy argument in french

jean laurent: laf texted me and was like 'you only know basic french this is a learning experience'

jean laurent: and i got there and was like 'jesus christ alexander thats quite a vocabulary'

angel cake: how does this relate to the dynamic tho

alEXTRAnder: all will be revealed in due time

maria carey: drama queen

jean laurent: anyway herc had something on that morning but we convinced alex to get lunch with us and meet our other friend

alEXTRAnder: we got to the cafe and herc facepalmed so hard he nearly broke a table

zero to hero: because of /course/ alex would become best friends with my best friends in just a few hours

elizard: wait but how did herc and alex know eachother 

zero to hero: well

alEXTRAnder: its a long and complicated story but basically i was staying with herc because it was my first time stateside and knox pulled a few strings buT thats not important

jean laurent: im pretty sure everyone here knows that alex has an uncanny ability to charm literally everyone he meets instantly

alEXTRAnder: except aaron

alEXTRAnder: it took at least three days to charm aaron

error 101: by the end of the fourth day i was positively swooning in his arms

jean laurent: anyway he had a class with gwash and charmed him too

lafaYEET: i invited alex to have dinner with me, laurens, hercules, and the family i had been staying with as a transfer student for the past few years

lafaYEET: the washingtons, and their foster son

error 101: three guesses as to who the foster son is

elizard: ooh drama

alEXTRAnder: so i accepted, bien sûr, and arrived to an

alEXTRAnder: interesting 

alEXTRAnder: group of people

error 101: it was awful and he hasn't even gotten to the worst part yet

zero to hero: so basically alex was staying with me bc of a favour and the deal was that he'd stay with me for two months

zero to hero: a lot of shit went down and by the end of the fifth week my little brother was staying with us 

alEXTRAnder: i didnt want to impose because its a tiny apartment 

zero to hero: i was like 'dude you dont have anywhere to go'

zero to hero: and do you know what he said

zero to hero: "i'll figure it out"

elizard: ALEXANDER

elizard: WHAT THE FUCK

alEXTRAnder: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ 

alEXTRAnder: anyway martha coerced me into staying with them because they have a fuckin mansion and i lived there for a year and a half

error 101: it was the worst year and a half of my life

alEXTRAnder: i do tend to have that effect on people

angel cake: well this was a lovely bedtime story but i really should sleep

elizard: peggys asleep wtf

& pegs: zzzz

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow actual plot?? who _is_ this???
> 
> this probably makes no sense at all but ive been really sick for a week and a half so im using that as an excuse
> 
> c'était atroce means 'it was atrocious'  
> bien sûr means 'of course'
> 
> in case it wasn't already GLARINGLY OBVIOUS i dont actually know how the american college system works, seeing as im neither american nor college age whoOPS
> 
> what age are the people in this fic? 
> 
> who knows?? just ignore any and all inconsistencies thank yOU
> 
> stay tuned


	5. Actual Human Disaster alexander hamilton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mentions of violence and previous abuse, mentioned character death. stay safe y'all

& pegs: well fuck

angel cake: language?

elizard: angelica a man has just been stabbed i think they're entitled to swear

& pegs: see this is why you're my favourite sister

jean laurent: really?

& pegs: no

alEXTRAnder: yeah i think we've established i'm your favourite sister

elizard: tbh

zero to hero: a man?? has jusf been stabbed??? and ur arguing about familial preferences?? ?

alEXTRAnder: oh its chill im out of the er

lafaYEET: how you say

lafaYEET: what the everloving fuck

& pegs: nah you got it right my pal

zero to hero: thats great but

zero to hero: ????????

jean laurent: funny story actually

maria carey: no it really isnt

maria carey: im going to tell the story because you fuckers would downplay it

maria carey: jesus fucking fuck

maria carey: alexander, john, liza, pegs & i were walking 

& pegs: because liza got us lost & maria is usually good at directions but she was ~distracted~

elizard: shut up pegs let maria tell the story

maria carey: and we're walking past a side street when these guys step out of tge shadows like fucking disney villains or some shit

maria carey: and

maria carey: and

maria carey: fuck

alEXTRAnder: and one of them was everyones least favourite human being

lafaYEET: i am not liking where this story is going

sia: was it jefferson??

jean laurent: jesus christ no

jean laurent: hes awful, but he wouldnt stalk maria and stab alex

alEXTRAnder: it was james reynolds and his cronies

sia: oh fuck fuck FUCK

elizard: pretty much 

error 101: are we... missing something?

maria carey: james was my 

maria carey: fiance

alEXTRAnder: **incredibly abusive fiance

elizard: alexander.

alEXTRAnder: sorry

elizard: so reynolds steps out of the shadows and goes 

elizard: 'maria, my darling. oh, how i have missed you. i knew you'd come crawling back to me.'

jean laurent: he said some other shit but you get the gist of it

jean laurent: and alexander, being the stupid, irrational, protective idiot he is, stepped in front of all of us and fucking decked reynolds

maria carey: but james, he

maria carey: im sorry i cant do this

elizard: thats okay baby

elizard: i got you

elizard: but reynolds pulled out a fuckinf knife

error 101: dear god

lafaYEET: merde

& pegs: yes, but without batting a fuckinf eyelash alexander pulls out a knife of his own

angel cake: alexander what the FUCK

angel cake: WHY did you just CASUALLY have a KNIFE 

alEXTRAnder: old habits die hard

sia: what the fuck

angel cake: what does that even MEAN

alEXTRAnder: you don't last long on the streets if you can't defend yourself, as my brother could testify.

alEXTRAnder: y'know, if he was alive.

alEXTRAnder: i don't see what you find so hard to believe about simple self-defense.

sia: obviously it wasnt very effective 

sia: yknow, since you still got stabbed

alEXTRAnder: it was a just a graze, they were blowing it out of proportion 

alEXTRAnder: ive had worse

error 101: somehow, that's less than reassuring

jean laurent: alexander you needed s e v e n stitches

alEXTRAnder: my point still stands

zero to hero: petition to wrap alex in bubble wrap and lock him in a childproof room for the rest of his life

jean laurent: seconded

maria carey: thirded

zero to hero: i think i can safely say we'd all sign that

alEXTRAnder: im being betrayed by those i hold dearest

alEXTRAnder: betsey, my love, my angel

alEXTRAnder: you have never wronged me

elizard: i'm with ange on this one

alEXTRAnder: i am WOUNDED

elizard: i'd say sorry but i'm not

elizard: you're a hazard unto yourself

alEXTRAnder: but

elizard: name one thing you can do without injuring yourself

alEXTRAnder: i

alEXTRAnder: writing

elizard: you have wrist braces that you refuse to wear until you literally cannot move your hands 

alEXTRAnder: shit

alEXTRAnder: walking

& pegs: once you sprained your ankle walking a straight line on a flat surface 

& pegs: you were on crutches for a week

alEXTRAnder: um

alEXTRAnder: breathing?

error 101: these standards are incredibly low

jean laurent: once you were so out of breath after we kissed that you breathed in so hard it simulated a trauma and led to paradoxical vocal cords

jean laurent: i took you to the er two nights in a row

zero to hero: alex what the fuck

alEXTRAnder: in my defense, i had just run up six flights of stairs because the airport elevators were broken and you'd been in sc for two months

angel cake: okay thats actually kinda cute

lafaYEET: i remember that, he sounded like darth vader for months

alEXTRAnder: i am INJURED to the CORE OF MY BEING

& pegs: wheres ange is she even alive

angel cake: im sorry i just can't get over the fact that alex was STABBED

maria carey: with alex you just kinda need to take these things in your stride

angel cake: S T A B B E D

elizard: i remember that on our second date he turned up half an hour late with a black eye and a split lip bc he'd taken on four guys at once 

zero to hero: i

sia: whaf on earth compelled you to date him after that

alEXTRAnder: right here bud

elizard: he told me that they'd been harassing some poor girl and he couldn't let them get away with it

elizard: also i was closeted and really needed a boyfriend

alEXTRAnder: love u 2

jean laurent: dating alex is like dating a walking anxiety attack 

jean laurent: who's really good at giving head

zero to hero: okay wow did n o t need to know that

alEXTRAnder: ;)))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay honestly i deliberated over posting this for ages bc its gets really dark really quickly & then they just kinda move on?? idk its weird
> 
> but i hope u enjoyed kiddos
> 
> paradoxical vocal cord movement is a thing and its Not Fun i had steroids through an ambulance iv and was transferred hospitals twice before they could work out what it was (spoiler: they didnt, and i needed a camera down my nose+throat a week later before a specialist worked it out (dr google diagnosed me straight away)) 
> 
> school is exhausting guys we've been back for five days and ive already had a test, handed in an assignment, been given four more assignments, not to mention my first debate is on thursday so im busy af
> 
> anyway, stay tuned


	6. don't be a homophobia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kg3 is a Cool Gay Dude because i said so  
> king !: king george iii
> 
> mentions of homophobia and alcohol

jean laurent: tbh gaydars are how i make friends

angel cake: we all came together 

angel cake: THEN we came out

angel cake: fuckin coming out of the closet like

angel cake: surprise bitch

alEXTRAnder: i was always out

alEXTRAnder: didnt even try to hide it

elizard: yeah we know

& pegs: once you stood on a table and yelled 'i am BISEXUAL wanna FIGHT'

& pegs: u werent even drunk

alEXTRAnder: i stand by my actions

jean laurent: im "out" to everyone but my dad

jean laurent: like i kinda just roll with it

error 101: my family don't know but that might be because they're all dead

maria carey: holy SHIT aaron is that actually you

maria carey: that was some alex hamilton humour the FUCK

error 101: i might tell my sister at some point

zero to hero: you have a sister???

error 101: clearly

jean laurent: lmaoo

jean laurent: i will not come ojt to dad til im not dependent on him anymore

jean laurent: do NOT wanna see that pan out

jean laurent: see thatd be funny if i was pan but im noy im gay

elizard: is he a homophobia

jean laurent: yes he is a homophobia

angel cake: so many grammatical error

jean laurent: dont be a homophobia

jean laurent: y'all wanna hear a nice quote from my 17 yo sister

zero to hero: sure

alEXTRAnder: FUCK yes i love marty

elizard: is /she/ a homophobia 

jean laurent: no shes gay

alEXTRAnder: marty is my favourite laurens

jean laurent: mine too

jean laurent: anyway

jean laurent: 'its a unique lifestyle being an alcoholic; you never remember making your worst life decisions, but you sure as hell remember the aftermath'

jean laurent: thanks marty

& pegs: im howling

elizard: no they arent they have a Stone Cold mask on

& pegs: stop exposing me like this liza

elizard: xoxo

-

& pegs: angel why the FUCK are you in my room 

angel cake: hap birth

& pegs: arent u supposed to be in england

& pegs: u were in england when i went to sleep at like three am

&pegs: wtf

elizard: ^ ???

alEXTRAnder: i know i speak on behalf of us all when i respectfully ask 

alEXTRAnder: wjat the fukc

angel cake: so

angel cake: i'm studying in england

jean laurent: duh

angel cake: and it's peggy's birthday today

angel cake: possibly unrelated: the guy i sit next to in like 99.87% of my classes is really funny and really gay

angel cake: also he's like sixth in line to the throne of england

angel cake: did i mention that

angel cake: anyway he may or may not have offered me the use of his private jet 

angel cake: he also may or may not be waiting outside with ur birthday present

& pegs: oh my god

& pegs: oh m ygOD

lafaYEET: whatd she get you???

& pegs: holy jesus fucking christ

& pegs: so i walk outside amd the entire house is COVERED in oramge lilies

& pegs: my favourites :")

& pegs: theres a helicopter outside

& pegs: jesus christ hes dramatic

& pegs: "hellooo my name is future kiiiiiing george the third"

& pegs: he should sell vacuum cleaners 

jean laurent: alex just mumbled 'fucking rich people' amd fainted me too baby

zero to hero: john /you/ are a rich people

maria carey: yes yes but the real question is

maria carey: why are ur favourite flowers the literal physical embodiment of hatred

elizard: w h a t

maria carey: basic flower language?? orange lilies mean hatred

alEXTRAnder: its true

alEXTRAnder: an essential component in any flower bouquet of 'fuck you'

zero to hero: alex was revived by the mention of hatred

alEXTRAnder: accompanied by foxglove for insincerity, geraniums for stupidity, meadowsweet for uselessness, and frog orchid for disgust

maria carey: and my personal favourite 

maria carey: cardamine for paternal error

elizard: s a va ge

angel cake: okay but??? i flew here from the uk with my friend whos literally royalty and ur talking about flower language???

angel cake: also how the FUCK do both of u know flower language

lafaYEET: fun fact 

lafaYEET: i, too, am royalty, so george is rather irrelevant 

alEXTRAnder: i get bored easily

maria carey: what alex means to say is

maria carey: WE get bored easily and my ex was an abusive bag of dicks so we sent him a bouquet of fuck you flowers with poison ivy hidden in it

maria carey: also flower language is interesting 

& pegs: noah fence but u gotta teach me

& pegs has added king ! to the chat

& pegs: say hi everyone 

jean laurent: hi everyone

alEXTRAnder: salut tout le monde

& pegs: you little shits

lafaYEET: bonjour je m'appelle lafayette your presence threatens my position as the token member of royalty in this Group Of Gays™

zero to hero: there is no such thing as a token member of royalty laf wyd

alEXTRAnder: ur not even royalty laf the fuck

king !: Hello! My name is George Frederick, you must all be my sweet, submissive future subjects.

maria carey: right well i'm kinkshaming the future king of england

jean laurent: *kingshaming

angel cake: that was awful Do Not

sia: okay george listen

sia: if you /actually/ type like that ur gon get kicked faster than u can say 'correct grammar'

king !: lmao

king !: hi y'all im george and im super into dick

jean laurent: bitch me too tf

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> will i ever mention kg3 again? probably not lmao
> 
> salut tout le monde means hi everyone but if you didn't get that then i really don't know what to say to you
> 
> the marty laurens quote is a direct quote from my friend's elder sister
> 
> marty laurens = martha laurens ramsay, the eldest of john laurens' younger sisters
> 
> in seventh grade we went on a school camp and my cousin stood on a table and yelled "I AM BISEXUAL IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT YOU CAN FIGHT my cousin because i'm weak" amd honestly thanks for dumping that on me pal. makes for a great story tho
> 
> stay tuned y'all


	7. homosexual tendencies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> new character!  
> ned stevens - fletcher

error 101: dosia met peggy for the first time six hours ago and they have not let go of each other since then

error 101: i dont know how i feel about this

alEXTRAnder: indecisiveness, how new

error 101: fuck the shut up

zero to hero: sorry bro, youve been replaced by her homosexual tendencies 

sia: im in this chat

error 101: i know

jean laurent: ~oooOoohh~

angel cake: what the fuck john

-

jean laurent: so like

jean laurent: alex is sick

jean laurent: like /really/ sick

jean laurent: i think he has pneumonia 

jean laurent: but he's refusing to go to hospital 

error 101: dear god not again

jean laurent: and i have to work 

jean laurent: wait what do you mean not again

error 101: what's a delicate way to put this

error 101: alexander has the immune system of a dead walrus

& pegs: how the fuck is that a delicate way to put it

error 101: my point is

error 101: go to work

error 101: i'll send someone over to take care of him 

jean laurent: yeah,, not very convincing

angel cake: kinda sounds like ur gonna send a hitman over

error 101: your lack of faith in me is astounding 

error 101: alexander trusts him, and he's a trained doctor

king !!: your reluctance to mention a name seems rather concerning

error 101: jesus christ 

error 101: i'll come over and keep an eye on alexander

error 101: and edward can effectively treat him because he knows why alexander has an aversion to hospitals

error 101: happy?

jean laurent: not particularly 

jean laurent: who is this edward guy

zero to hero: wait

error 101: oh my god

_error 101 has added fletcher to the chat_

error 101: say hello to edward "ned" stevens, everyone

fletcher: uh, hi?

zero to hero: I KNOW YOU

zero to hero: you're alex's like

zero to hero: awkward kinda half brother 

fletcher: well

fletcher: that's certainly one way to be remembered 

jean laurent: wait is this /the/ ned

error 101: yes

fletcher: i'd like to hope so

lafaYEET: i am

lafaYEET: how you say

lafaYEET: exceedingly confused 

error 101: introduce yourself, please, edward

fletcher: uh,, hi? to pack as much relevant info as i can into one sentence, i'm ned stevens and alex may or may not be my half brother and my family kinda adopted him after shit hit the fan but then i came here to study medicine and he lowkey ran away but then contacted me last year and was like 'yo i'm in nyc let's meet up'

fletcher: oh and pronouns are he/hem

elizard: well

angel cake: i think the real question is, why does alex's life read like a shitty tv drama?

jean laurent: anyway! work! alex! sick! 

error 101: yes yes go to work laurens we have your boyfriend under control

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ned's username is an inside joke so im not explaining it lmao
> 
> um so this is where i should apologise for not updating in like a month but instead im going to complain about school  
> this week! is exam prep week! i am! very sick! again!  
> basically we have a short week anyway because of the queens birthday buuut i only have tomorrow ans the day after ASSUMING im well enough to go back to school  
> then next week is exams! everyones favourite thing!   
> and no fewer than three of my teachers think that giving us assignments the week before exam prep and expecting them straight after exams is fine because "you get over a fortnight to do it!!"   
> we?? have exams??? we're studying all through that fortnigjt??  
> also being sick has made me miss out on my only lessons of art before grades go in which means i couldnt finish my sculpture (its a clay king george & its awesome) so i'll probably fail! yay!
> 
> ive lost my voice so i cant yell about this shit to people irl so my darling readers get to hear me complain xoxo
> 
> anyway my point is im projecting onto aham because i have a chest infection+the flu and im miserable
> 
> also when aham and his mother got sick, they had yellow fever (i think??) and even tho alex survived it ruined his kidneys and general immune system so he was sick all the time AND
> 
> ned stevens, his possible halfbrother (they looked super alike & theres a bit of evidence suggesting they were related, look it up) but definite kinda adoptive brother (the stevenses took alex in after his cousin offed himself) DID treat him when there was a yellow fever epidemic in nyc and he was actually super controversial bc he didnt believe in bleeding etc etc
> 
> this probably made no sense oh well i wanted to get it up before my meds knock me out
> 
> stay tuned


	8. ....................what the fuck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yooooo i'm not dead

fletcher: alex just woke up and whispered “he that dies pays all debts” before falling asleep again me too buddy

angel cake: that is the most alex thing ive ever heard

angel cake: shakespeare, death, and godfuckig debts

angel cake: i just remembered that his stupid fucking debt plan of his is all that fuckign shitstick will talk about jesus h christ on a cracker 

fletcher: ………………what the fuck

angel cake: listen here you pissflap

angel cake: i am running on two hours sleep and three energy drinks do you want to test me

angel cake: i have three presentations within the next five hours and a fuckig society dinner tonight and if i see howe i am going to fucking deck him

zero to hero: angel r u ok

angel cake: no but thanks for asking

fletcher: well okay then

lafaYEET: how do you spell écrit??

& pegs: im going to go out on a limb here, and say écrit

lafaYEET: no in the other language

jean laurent: escrito 

lafaYEET: have i ever mentioned how much i hate you

jean laurent: scriptum 

lafaYEET: i am being bullied

jean laurent: geschrieben

lafaYEET: this is, how u say, xenophobia

jean laurent: ysgrifenedig

fletcher: alex says “jacky hurry up and get the fuck home”

fletcher: it’s written, by the way, lafayette

jean laurent: jesus fuck why did i ever tell him about that nickname

elizard: you didnt

jean laurent: oh yeah lmao

jean laurent: fuckin marty

fletcher: i meant to ask, did you use google translate for all the translations before?

jean laurent: only for the welsh

jean laurent: i cycled through all the languages i know first lmao

fletcher: that’s,, a lot of languages

jean laurent: well, my mom was puerto rican and she taught me some spanish 

jean laurent: after she died my father made me stop learning spanish and start learning french because “french is the language of diplomacy” or some bs like that

jean laurent: i only know a bit of latin because my fuckign tutor made me translate virgil all the fuckig time

jean laurent: & i studied in switzerland for like a year so yay german

& pegs: okay jacky we get it ur a polyglot stop making us look bad

jean laurent: actually kys

jean laurent: can this bus go ANY SLOWER

jean laurent: why dont i have a car

elizard: you don’t have the money, john

jean laurent: still

jean laurent: do you think my father would buy me a car if i pretended to be a straight lawyer again

elizard: no, john

& pegs: ###momliza

maria carey: is alex still asleep or can i come over with soup and be properly appreciated

fletcher: he’s trying to stay awake until john gets back

fletcher: he is trying to accomplish this by making sleepy puppy dog eyes at me from the couch because i won’t let him have his phone

fletcher: you don’t need to bring over soup, i’ve got a pot on the stove, but you’re welcome to come over

fletcher: i assume

fletcher: i mean, it isn’t my apartment

jean laurent: yeah its all g maria come over if u dont mind possibly getting sick

elizard: i’m coming too you can’t stop me 

maria carey: wasn’t planning on it

fletcher: make sure you come in quietly

& pegs: ned why are you so capable and put together wtf

fletcher: i’m in Doctor Mode 

jean laurent: good, because ive been in Doctor Mode all day and i just wanna shower and fall asleep

fletcher: understandable

& pegs: the doctors are bonding 

-  
elizard: look at the Sleepy Boys!!!

elizard: sleepylams.jpg

angel cake: my heart just melted out of my chest

angel cake: now i miss john

angel cake: why couldnt i bring him to this stupid society dinner

elizard: because you eloped, angel

& pegs: because dad thinks he isn’t good enough for you

angel cake: we didn’t /elope/

angel cake: i just happened to go to college in london, where he just so happened to have just moved to 

maria carey: how convenient

& pegs: is ned still there he’s growing on me

fletcher: yes hello i was just messaging my fiancee

elizard: oh no i forgot that you probably have things to be doing

elizard: i’m sorry!! do you need a lift home or anything?

fletcher: no no it’s okay, she’ll pick me up on her way home from work

error 101: thank you for looking after alexander, edward

& pegs: yo burr why do you only call people by their full name

error 101: i don't always, but i could if you wanted me to, margarita

maria carey: ABSOLUTELY REKT

angel cake: that was iconic holy shit

& pegs: ...

& pegs: point

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SUP
> 
> im not dead ive just been Sick Like You Would Not Believe
> 
> uhh  
> the howe that angelica mentions is british admiral howe('s got troops on the water)  
> the john that she mentions is obviously john church, the guy that she married  
> and they _did_ elope, so
> 
> maria and burr being bros as a nod to burr being maria's divorce lawyer is my SHIT
> 
> & that whole language thing? an actual exchange in my french class. someone yelled out "how do u spell écrit??" and someone spelled it out for her and she went "no in the other language" and then a smartass (me. it was me. i'm the smartass.) yelled back "tertulis" (which is actually indonesian but obviously jlau didn't speak indonesian) and then everyone started using google translate and calling out random translation and our french teacher looked like she didnt know whether to laugh or cry  
> it was a Good Time
> 
> also! if anyone has any good sonny/pete fic recommendations hmu
> 
> stay tuned


	9. introducing everyone's favourite british gal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just remembered this exists lol  
> new people!  
> martha the handyman- martha manning, jlau's real life wife   
> cosway- maria cosway, angelica's real life bestie and had an affair with the Jefferson Man

jean laurent: gaydars are so fucking accurate i'm almost scared of how well they work

& pegs: what happened

jean laurent: so my best friend from first grade to like, fourth grade was called martha manning

jean laurent: she moved schools after that

jean laurent: we got back in contact a little while ago

jean laurent: by that i mean my dad tried to set us up when i was in england

jean laurent: and we dated before i broke it off bc my gay ass couldnt handle it

jean laurent: but we stayed in contact after that and we skype weekly 

jean laurent: and she just introduced me to her girlfriend

lafaYEET: oh my god

& pegs: that's fuckin wild

jean laurent: the gays come together before they even know what the word means

angel cake: holy mother of fuck

angel cake: you're manning's jacky

angel cake: motherFUCKER

jean laurent: wait what

angel cake: oh my god

angel cake: i don't know who to be mad with

jean laurent: PLEASE ELABORATE ANGEL I STG

angel cake: manning's girlfriend? my qp.

elizard: qp?

error 101: queerplatonic

elizard: ah

jean laurent: so mattie's artist girlfriend is ur qp

angel cake: yeah

jean laurent: the world is a small and fucking weird place

angel cake: waIT I JUST REALISED 

angel cake: MANNING HAS A TYPE

angel cake: CUTE FRECKLED ARTISTS

elizard: i think most people would have a thing for cute freckled artists tho

jean laurent: so, do y'all like, go to college together or?

angel cake: why don't i just add them

_angel cake has added martha the handyman to the chat_

_angel cake has added cosway to the chat_

angel cake: introduce urselves babes

martha the handyman: sup i'm martha manning and my pronouns are she/her. uh, i'm dating maria and once i dated jacky? that's about it?

jean laurent: i stg mattie if u keep calling me jacky im gonna fly to london and elbow u in the boob

maria carey: that was oddly specific 

maria carey: also now we have two marias i feel attacked 

cosway: hi im maria cosway and my pronouns are she/they i dont really care lmao

cosway: i have just been informed that my girlfriend has a type and also i dont mind just going by cosway @other maria

martha the handyman: jacky

jean laurent: mattie you fuckign piece of mouldy dumpster pizza

cosway: she was quiet for a moment and then she whispered "jacky" and started laughing im sorry john theres no escape

jean laurent: MATTIE i'll tell the champagne lottery story 

martha the handyman: i'll tell the francis kinloch vodka story don't test me jacky

jean laurent: filthy disgusting blackmail

& pegs: u should tell them both im intrigued now

martha the handyman: well

martha the handyman: you see

jean laurent: mattie i stg

jean laurent: if u tell them im gonna ctrl alt dlt u from my life

jean laurent: and i'll tell them about the time with the chicken & the goat milk

cosway: what the fuck that sounds both horrifying and hilarious

martha the handyman: fine fine you're safe 

martha the handyman: for now

jean laurent: damn straight

martha the handyman: jacky neither of us are straight 

jean laurent: i FUCKIGN

jean laurent: wait brb alex just woke up

martha the handyman: whipped

jean laurent: like u wouldnt ride a horse backwards for maria

cosway: that was very specific

jean laurent: and we both know how that went

cosway: oh okay that explains it

martha the handyman: fuck you jacky you swore never to speak of that again

jean laurent: when has that ever stopped either of us

martha the handyman: point

-

alEXTRAnder: the prodigal child hath returned

angel cake: oh joy

& pegs: from what? 

& pegs: from contracting pneumonia because you were too stubborn to admit you were sick?

alEXTRAnder: okay listen

alEXTRAnder: i do not deserve this attack on my person

jean laurent: it’s not an attack if they’re just stating facts

alEXTRAnder: i cannot believe this,, my very own boyfriend,,, the love of my life,, dragging my name through the mud,, ,

martha the handyman: jacky i can’t believe you haven’t introduced me to your boyfriend

alEXTRAnder: martha! hello! i’ve heard so much about you

martha the handyman: likewise, alexander

martha the handyman: it’s a pleasure to meet you

martha the handyman: i can’t believe jacky didn’t introduce us sooner

jean laurent: i introduced him to you a week after we started dating

jean laurent: he says hello to you every time we skype 

martha the handyman: i can’t believe you would expose me like this,, me, your childhood best friend,,, airing my shortcomings for the world to see,, ,

jean laurent: i cant believe this

jean laurent: you and alex deserve eachother

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im kinda,, losing interest in this lmao
> 
> maybe i'll continue it, maybe i won't. we'll see
> 
> anyway, maria cosway was an italian artist and, as far as i know, didn't actually have freckles but hey. creative license   
> martha manning was laurens' wife and she lived in london with their daughter   
> francis kinloch was laurens' "friend" from when he studied in geneva,, no homo
> 
> okay goodnight
> 
> stay tuned


End file.
